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Everything I’ve created must be utterly, completely destroyed. I move, or end a significant relationship, close the doors on a business, or throw everything out of my closet.
I relish this destruction. It’s the only way to create anew in my life.
At the end of the day, the ultimate creatrix is also the consummate destroyer.
This past month and a half has been a time of challenging demolition and whirlwind birthing. My relationship with my man is going through a period of serious upheaval. Two years ago, we made a commitment to support one another’s shining in the world. That was the context we set for our relationship. And we have done that in leaps and bounds. My work in the world is taking off. His work in the world is taking off. We are in magazines and we are speaking on stages. We are experiencing financial and business success. We are contributing and creating in the ways we have longed…ways that were but nuggets of our imagination when we first got together.
But we became work partners, not love partners. We talked only of work. We began to lose our spark. My heart ached. He did not know how to reach me.
After the intense last few months that led up to The School for The Well Spoken Woman LIVE! events this summer in San Francisco and NYC, I found myself looking at my home life and my love life with sadness and deep ache. And then, the demolition began.
I left home for nearly a month, not knowing if I would want to return.
Tears, frustration, longing and deep honesty began to pour forth.
How can I be in such full throttle action around my mission in my life and STILL feel connected and sensual with my man at home? What was I, what were we, doing wrong? What had we forgotten? What had we overlooked?
Beliefs and ways of being that had begun to run the show in my relationship were called into question. For years I have seen men as the providers in my life…I didn’t have full confidence I could provide for my own life financially or otherwise. This last year, all that changed. I discovered I have a gift that is of value to the world. I discovered I can truly care for my life financially and even be quite astute financially.
I have stepped into the role of provider for myself. And that changes things.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I can see men for who they truly are, not just through the lense of what they can give me. My sexuality has stopped being something I use to “get” something from men. Instead, it has become completely and totally my own…a true, beautiful expression of who I am and a gift.
As a result of this realization, my entire relationship – not only with David, but with men in general – has been going through an overhaul.
After weeks in Kauai and one unforgettable weeklong stint at Burning Man, I realized that it’s all going to require a whole other level of speaking up in my life. Speaking up about emotions and desires I’m scared to own. Speaking with greater authenticity. Speaking to my man as my MAN, not as my business partner or some ancient reflection of my father.
Just when I thought I was beginning to know a thing or two about sharing my voice with the world, I realized I’m only ever a student. I might be making a mark with my voice in the public realm, but I’m learning so deeply right now that I have much to learn about speaking up in the private realm.
The amazing news is that by some miracle, and with the help and support of our community of friends, David and I have “woken up” to one another. We are no longer asleep. We had an experience that had us see one another with fresh eyes, and – thank Goddess – we have fallen in love more deeply than ever. I feel a depth of devotion to this man that blows me away…it is a timeless, eternal love.
Summer is over. The pull that autumn brings to work and to create is coming on strong.The exploration now is how to do the dance between my functional/work life and my sacred life, and not to let my functional/work life bleed into the other. It’s an advanced art form, and I feel lucky to have so many friends I can learn from who are doing this dance themselves.
Starting today – September 10th – there is a program called Love Yourself Naked that I’m featured on. I’m speaking about TRUTH. Telling the truth – on the public stage, and in your private domain: what it takes, and how to turn your fear, resistance and self doubt into total freedom to speak up. I encourage you to listen, and to enjoy the entire series of powerful women speaking about living full, authentic, creative lives. It’s an incredible line up.
Here’s the link to sign up for free: http://videosummit.reneeheigel.com?ap_id=kcbaker
Also, I was featured in ORIGIN MAGAZINE this month as one of 60+ leaders creating positive transformation on the planet. Check it out at Whole Foods, Barnes & Noble, Rainbow Grocery, (and a few other venues I can’t quite remember).
Tell me: How can you speak up more fully in your private life? What needs to be said that you haven’t yet said?
Comment, Share, Tweet if inspired…