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Two and a half months ago, on November 1st 2013, I gave birth to my son, Connor Forest, on the floor of our downstairs guest bathroom after 26 hours of the hardest work of my life.
There is so much I could say about this event, which was hands-down the most transformative experience of my life to date. It changed me. It turned me into a Mother. It brought into the world the most exquisite creation of my life. I did it without drugs and encountered reservoirs of my deepest resistance and my greatest strength.
I could write a book about the whole experience – what transpired and what I realized about life and myself.
But these days I pretty much am one handed and have a baby at my boob. So, instead of sending you a post of Biblical proportions, which my posts often are, let me cut right to the chase and share with you the greatest piece of wisdom I gleaned from this experience.
I have been hankering to share it with you ever since Connor was born, so here it is:
20 hours into the labor, I was in the downstairs guest bedroom with my two midwives and David. I was fully dilated. Little Connor had a hand up by his face and something funky going on with his elbow position, so I had pretty intense back labor.
Though he was making his way slowly but surely down the birth canal, I was utterly consumed with the feeling that I could not do this.
This was so much harder than I could have ever imagined, the sensations so beyond anything I’d ever known.
Pretty soon I could even reach way in and feel the top of his head.
Even though I could feel him, even though the end was so near, I still was utterly rocked by doubt. Was this really going to happen? How? How on earth was that baby going to come out of my body?
I kept proclaiming – “I can’t do this!”
“I don’t think I can do this.”
“Oh God, really??! I can’t!”
I thought I must be doing this wrong. Surely I was doing this wrong. Though I had had other moments during the birth of feeling in tune with the birthing energy, and a particularly triumphant moment of “We can DO this, baby!” in my backyard under a juniper tree, this last hurrah in that dark downstairs bedroom wasn’t anything like what they said in those Orgasmic Birth teleseminars.
I wasn’t feeling a lick of ecstasy. And I certainly wasn’t feeling the deep calm my Hypnobirthing CD had tried to prepare me for.
All that existed were radically intense sensations and the prevailing sense of disbelief that this baby was going to somehow make it out of my body. My entire mind was filled with doubt that I could do this. I kept fantasizing about jetting off to the hospital for an epidural, even when my baby’s head was smack in the middle of the birth canal and so close to coming out.
At one point during Connor’s descent, I looked at my midwife, Shell, and proclaimed for the umpteenth time – “I don’t think I can do this!”
She looked me straight in the eye and said to me words that have changed my life forever:
She said,
“You ARE doing this.”
And that’s when I got it —
Recognizing that that’s just the way it is frees you to get on with the thing and birth what you’ve got to give.
Yes, there is the believing and the inspiration and the strength and the determination…they are all part of the process as well. But doubt has just as must real estate in the act of birthing our greatest creations as any other positive emotion or mental self talk.
I realized that I have spent so much time in my life trying to eradicate self doubt from bringing my creativity and my voice to the world because I believe it’s holding me back.
But in truth, it’s not. It’s just part of the process.
Doubt is an essential part of our epic creative acts, especially the ones we have never done before, that are unlike anything the world has ever seen, or that are right at the precipice of being unleashed in the world, like the transition period in birth when the baby is about to make its descent down and out the birth canal, or that moment when you are about to walk up onto that stage and sing your heart out or give that soul revealing talk.
Seeing this frees us to become centered in what is ACTUALLY happening.
We can get so brainwashed to believe that we must be free from doubt in order to bring our creativity to the world and realize our dreams, when in reality feeling doubt is a natural part of the whole darn thing and is actually a sign that we are in the creative act itself. If we weren’t, then the doubt wouldn’t be there.
My mind was spewing “No Way!” and “Really? Is he really coming?” all the way up until his little head emerged. Holding him afterwards, I felt simultaneous awe and complete shock that I actually did it.
I realized that what gave me the strength and ability to carry on in the face of the most intense resistance, pain and doubt I’d ever experienced in my life was Love.
Love for my son and my deep desire to hold him in my arms.
Love for his well being and my commitment to giving him a drug-free entry to our world.
And love for my self and my desire to meet the part of myself that I knew I might only be able to access by going straight into the fire of natural child birth.
Love is the very thing that inspires us to birth our babies and our deepest, most authentic work into the world.
And love is the very thing that will see us through. It is so vast and utterly endless that it can hold all the self doubt and resistance our mind can throw its way.
So this year, whether you are birthing a baby, a book, or an inspiring artistic vision, I hope that you remember this:
The more your creative undertaking comes from who you authentically are and from the ways you feel inspired to love this world, the deeper the resistance and self doubt you will feel.
The key is to know that your resistance and self doubt are part of the process, not a barrier.
There is nothing inside of yourself to get rid of, only to love and allow.
This realization is essential to opening ourselves as the clear, pure channels of love and creativity that we are.
To a year of birthing the deepest truth of who we are, and seeing that – truly – nothing stands in our way,
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Beloved and Beautiful KC, YES YES YES YES…..and YES.
Those words of “you are doing this….’ I have uttered over and over to my yoga mama’s when in the throws of birth.
AND YOU DID DO IT…and your experience of birthing at HOME with people who KNEW WHAT YOU WERE CAPABLE OF, WHO KNEW AND TRUSTED THE PROCESS OF BIRTH, WHO KNEW OF THE POWER OF LOVE AND THE YES_NESS IT BRINGS FORTH…all are part of the ingredients of the WHY YOU DID NOT END UP WITH C-section. BIG BIG WARM HUG to you Beautiful Mama. Thank you for sharing a bit of your birthing process with us.
Much Love, Cynthea Denise
Thank you…So beautiful…Tears. Good Job Mamma!
ROCK ON KC!! Congrats on your natural birthing experience and on the miracle life that you brought into this world. Your perspective on self-doubt and birthing a creation is exactly what I am going through right now. Thank you for giving voice to it in this way and allowing me to have a love-filled perspective on my own self-doubt!
You said it, KC! So beautifully & exactly what I needed to hear as my voice grows stronger and brighter. THANK YOU!!!
Thank you KC. Beautiful and timely message.
Congratulation,
For the baby, for sharing the true about giving birth to a baby or other creations……
Life is this amazing journey to learning about ourselves .
with Love,
Margot
So beautiful and wise, KC. I’m not surprised that you so quickly found the deep wisdom in birth and motherhood. And I’m grateful for your expansive, light-filled teaching here on how to understand doubt for what it truly is. That means a lot to me personally now as I continue moving into the work I feel most called to do.
Truly beautiful. Thank you. Your words, transparency and divine leadership felt as if a expansive wave of light coming off the page. So refreshing and real. Thank you. Sending so much love and light to your tender and sweet new family.
Dear
First of all: congrats from the deepest of my heart for you, radiant women, giving birth to a humble and beautiful soul!!! Thank you for this!!!
Then, let me say thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears and experience you made. This is just brilliant what you wrote. I am not mum yet, but I feel the truth in your words. So thank you again.
God bless you
I am really interested in your work
angel hugs
Jeannette
Beautiful words KC 🙂 I would like to congratulate you on being a new mother 🙂
xxx
Claire
Congratulations on the new little man. He’s beautiful and I so adore this blog post. As someone who just went through the (drug free) birth of her second, 6 weeks ago. I know exactly what you mean.
I go through months of prayer and declaring a pain free birth and both times there comes a point especially during back labor where I think I can NOT do this. But lo and behold I, you, we push through.
In times of doubt we must remind ourselves that there is a force inside of us much stronger than fear…and it’s love.
xo
Erin
I just gave birth to a phenomenal baby boy 9 days ago, and experienced those same exact feelings when it came time to push… There was no way I could do this, I am going to have to have a c-section, I’m not doing it right, etc… I thought and said those same exact words. And even though as much as I believed those, the head eventually appeared, and then he was placed on my belly – the most incredible feeling yet. I struggle with self-doubt constantly! And i have always viewed it as something I need to rid of in order to play big… of course I haven’t had much luck with that, because I do believe what you say, self-doubt is a part of it all, just like fear – it all depends how you choose to respond to it.. if you let it stop you in your tracks, or you acknowledge it and move through. Thank you so much for sharing.
So true, so beautiful, so inspiring. THANK YOU so much for sharing this. Congratulations on becoming a Mother and bringing your beautiful son into the world so well!
I loved this. Beautifully written. Thank you. Thank you for letting me remember that doubt is part of the process and love is what let dreams turn into reality.
xoxo
Jen
Congratulations again on becoming a mother! Thank you so much for sharing so authentically the arc of your journey! I can’t wait to meet little Connor! XO!
I just love you KC Baker! So powerful in the midst of doubt…bring it on baby. YES! 🙂
inspiring as always.
stay close to one another…it makes it easier to love.
I really really love this message. So funny because I was only just thinking something similar in relation to my birthing my own business. That it felt like it was a baby halfway out and that it hurt more to hold back the process than to let myself go through with it, fear and all. And I too had a baby born at home, my second, and can totally relate to that feeling of I can’t do it. I remember the mid-wife said. Good, glad you’re saying this. It means you’re almost there!
And CONGRATULATIONS!!
ps my website is still under construction so excuse the mess…
Congratulations ! And Thank You for sharing your wonderful and powerful insights in such a profound way. Came at the right time for me.
Wow. deep gratitude for this post. I literally just said to my husband 10 minutes ago (with tears in my eyes), what if I can’t do this? what if no one wants this? What if I don’t have what it takes?
I will constantly remind myself – I AM DOING THIS. Incredible. xo
Yes, yes, and more yes. I appreciate this post. It is going to help me move forward in areas that I felt that doubt was stopping me. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this magnificent experience with us – thank you for being willing to be in the presence of learning through it all. When we share our the soul truth of our lives we move mountains – perfect soul words for my life today. Thank you.
Took me to tears. It’s such a powerful and moving heart share, and it struck such a cord in me – exactly what my heart longs to hear. Thank you for being such a beautiful inspiration!
I, too, had my baby at home and went through a similar experience. The way you have expressed your experience is so beautiful. When I read, “You ARE doing this”, tears came as if giving those words to myself when I could feel the top of my son’s head but felt what before me was impossible. Then, reading how you took that learning into the creative process in general, I so get it. Thank you so much. This is an incredibly beautiful post and one that speaks deeply to me right now.
Thanks for sharing this! Doubt is an emotion we all feel with different intensities. That it is normal is nice to know. Hugz ><
Wow… Such beautiful words. Such profound teaching. I am touched and transformed! And feel like this would be so great to share with my clients… Thank you so much for creating this post, even one-handed! 🙂
Deep felt article, entirely agree with the sentiment, thank you, will share with my families at Music Bus x
Just came across your lovely post on Pinterest and it called to me, as it’s totally in my field! I write about creativity, birth and motherhood… And am a homebirthing mama myself! My book on the topic, The Rainbow Way: Cultivating Creativity in the Midst of Motherhood came out last month, hit #1 in motherhood and creativity on Amazon last week, and is currently just 99c on Kindle till Fri. Glad to have found your lovely blog.
[…] are a part of the process – and life is the biggest process we’ve got! In fact, if you’ve giving birth to anything, you already know the fearful feelings that come with it. You also know that, if you allow it, you […]
This is a fabulous share. Yes, you ARE doing this! Thank you for the reminder!
Thank you for sharing so sincerely and openly. I have made this journey inside of myself with the natural, drug free births of my two beautiful kids – a journey that delivered a new me, as well as a new baby. I am setting out on birthing my vision of healing the connection between humans and horses at the moment and the self-doubt is loud and distracting – thank you for reframing it and giving voice to the fuel that powers my desire to be heard. Love and always love. Enjoy the journey of learning about yourself in the role of motherhood – it can be a bumpy ride at times but the vehicle is always love x
KC – Looks like this was written several months ago but I’m coming across it at about the umpteenth time of my own “I can’t do this!” And while I know I’ve been in the last stages of this birth for awhile now, seeing your words, and specifically reading that doubt itself is an indicator that “the end is near!” is very reassuring. So thank you!
Thank you so much KC for sharing your beautiful story! I’m so happy and thankful to have come across it. Your story, so well told, truly reassures me to push on faithfully at this point in my life as I ‘birth’ my coaching practice and get over the challenge of self doubt and failure that I’ve experienced over the last week.
Wow! Amazing artilce. It’s just what I needed, as I AM doing this right now. Just quit my salaried postion to make my own dreams come true. My website launches this week. I will remember and use this infomration for the greater good! Thank you!