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5 Things I’ve Learned About Running a Business and Being a Mother
May 16, 2017Baby of Mine - A Gift For My Son
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June 23, 2016
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Sometimes it’s really tough running a business and being a Mom…and sometimes it’s not so tough. I’m starting to notice a pattern about the not-so-tough times and I want to share what I’m realizing and where I’m putting my attention.
This does have to do with motherhood, though I wish I had learned many of these things pre-motherhood because they would have had me be in so much less stress during the early building years of my business.
I recognize that there are a lot of women here in this community who are doing meaningful work in the world in some capacity and that they put a lot of their energy and time into that.
I imagine you are one of these women.
Unfortunately for so many of us, we can feel so drained and depleted. It’s heartbreaking because we want to give all that we’ve got to our work in the world because we know how much it matters… and it can leave us so dry and feeling like we have to back away from what we do, or sacrifice something else in our lives that matters, just to stay sane.
This is not a sustainable pattern.
So – in service of finding fulfilling and sustainable ways of growing our work in the world while also being deeply attuned and connected to the people we love and fueling our other passions in life, I want to offer the following insights I’ve gleaned over the last three years of being a mother and growing a body of work that, at times, feels like it has a life of its own (and demands a lot).
IMPORTANT: I do NOT have this all figured out. But I’m learning. And I’m passing along the wisdom I’ve gleaned as quickly as I can because, well, I think so many of us are in need of some new ideas on how to do this dance.
I also want to recommend you check out Kate Northrup’s recently released video series on Sustainable Success. It is free and I’ve been going through it. I’ve been totally blown away at the genius within it.
It takes the best of teachings on women’s hormonal flow, phases of the moon, and other natural patterns of expansion and contraction in our lives and teaches you how to integrate them into the rhythms of your business. Kate and her husband are extremely successful business people, and parents, and what she’s dishing out here …well, there’s just nothing like it that I’ve found elsewhere.
Alright! Here’s my 2 cents on how to be an entrepreneurial mom/woman in this day and age without losing your sh*&.
However it is that you’ve got to work it, do whatever you can to get at least 5-10 minutes to yourself in the morning before your day starts.
That means waking up 5-10 minutes earlier, before the kids get up, or asking your kids to play for 20 minutes while you set an alarm and meditate (or sip tea quietly, or do yoga or walk barefoot outside, whatever), with the understanding that they can’t interrupt you during that time.
Or ask your partner, neighbor, babysitter, grandparent – whomever – to watch your kids during that time. However you have to work it, get that time for yourself and know that you have the right to ask for it.
If you are asking for support from someone else, or asking your kids to not disturb you during that time, let them know they benefit by having a more centered, happy mom as a result. Everyone wins. As for your work, having that time will have you make decisions from a place of creativity, not reactivity. And that’s priceless in business.
For a while I had to get up before Connor got up. Even if it was just 15 minutes, I would light a candle and sit and watch my breath and engage in my own practice to clear my mind and get in my heart.
Now that he’s old enough (3 years), he understands that I need Mama’s time in the morning for meditation and that Momma is much more centered and happy and less reactionary when she gets it.
He doesn’t interrupt me during that time. Sometimes he’ll just kind of sit quietly next to me or put his head on my lap while I meditate. He’s quiet. He totally understands it and gets it and respects it because I’ve taught him to. I used to think that that would be impossible – that there was no way my toddler would give me that space.
Then I realized, wait a minute, there are so many things this kid is learning all the time. What a wonderful thing to learn that first thing in the morning is the time to go within and connect to Source.
So now he is such an amazing supporter of that and it’s a part of our morning ritual.
Having this time in the morning creates so much more spaciousness and sanity within for everything that arises throughout the day – in motherhood, business, relationships, all of it.
Really, this is essential. A lifeline. If you have a hard time asking for help, do whatever you can – therapy, books, talking to friends – to unhook from whatever is holding you back from asking for help.
Signs you need to ask for help:
– You feel overwhelmed.
– You wonder what has happened to your sense of aliveness.
– You miss feeling passionate.
– You get pissed off easily.
– You get into “control mode” often with your kids and have a tough time accessing how to relate with them creatively.
– Sometimes at the end of a work day after you put your kids to bed, you find yourself collapsing on your couch or staring into the mirror, mildly in shock, saying to yourself “This lifestyle is crazy!”
– You reach for a glass of wine (or two)…or munch on sweet foods… too much and too often.
It’s ok.
I’ve been there – all of it!!! (Sometimes I still do. It happens.)
And when I go any of those places, I know it’s a sign I need some support and that this insane system we live in (of nuclear families and single families riddled with expectations we do work and raising offspring alone) is getting to me. Completely understandable. The problem is NOT US. It’s the system.
So – that means: more help.
Some ideas:
Perhaps you could to ask for help from your partner so you can have some needed downtime.
Or you could ask for help from some friends. Perhaps ask a friend to come over and watch your child on Saturday mornings so you can have some time for yourself, to go do something that you love that fills your heart.
Or get a mama/kiddos sitting exchange going so you can trade off.
Or, find a sitter you trust to have a standing date so you get in your dance class once per week (life changer, in my experience).
On the work front, perhaps you need to make sure that you have people on your team who you really trust and who can take on more for you.
I am running a business that is growing very quickly and I have a three-year-old and it’s a lot! I have so much compassion for working moms.
It doesn’t matter if you’re an entrepreneur or work for a company.
Don’t fall prey to the societal belief that you need to work like a crazy person to “make it”. Make what? Success gained through hating your life is not success.
If you are feeling resentful of anyone, or of your work, or resentful of your child or whatever it is, any resentment is an indicator that there is a place where you’re not speaking your truth and probably not asking for help where you need it.
So don’t let yourself get stuck in resentment or wanting to somehow distance yourself emotionally from your work, your child, or even your own self.
Get help so that you can relax more into your life and enjoy it.
I am in a place right now in my life where I recognize that there are patterns from my own childhood that play out in my parenting with my son.
This is definitely part of the dance of conscious parenting and it can be daunting to see at times.
I can say from my own experience that it is totally possible to re-pattern these things in yourself and to heal things from a long time ago.
Doing this inner work can completely change who we are as a parent and as a creator in the world. It is deeply empowering and heart centering.
I’m finding this is the unexpected gift of becoming a mother that no one told me about before I became one.
If you’ve got ancient stuff that hasn’t been explored, it’s going to come out in your parenting and it’s going to come out somehow in your work, how you relate to your work, your relationship with your team or the people that you serve — whatever it is, it’s going to come out in some way.
And that’s ok! We’re human. It happens. All the time.
The opportunity at hand is to bring consciousness to it so that something more authentic can come through us in our relating and in our creativity.
There are so many resources for this.
I have a wonderful therapist. I will give you her name. She’s phenomenal. Her name is Carista Luminare and her website is www.confusedaboutlove.com. She specializes in helping people with attachment issues from childhood and she is just incredible and such a deep resource for me. I highly recommend having someone like this in your corner or having a trusted person that you can talk to.
There are other great books called Parenting From the Inside Out or The Conscious Parent.
We’re playing a very high game in being parents and creators/entrepreneurs/providers, and often times we need additional support for challenging things that (inevitably) come up.
So, taking care of ourselves pyscho-spiritually is deeply important.
This is where were find the diamonds at the center of the tough stuff that can come up with parenting.
I have a theme song for this portion of this post here. It’s called “Until We Go Down” by Ruelle. (Check it out. It’s hot.)
This really is the song in my life that I come back to again and again to remind myself about the burning need in my soul to express my passion in the midst of a lifestyle that is filled with so much responsibility.
I really believe that as parents, as people who are doing meaningful work in the world (even if you are not a parent), that we must nourish our souls by making time in our life for our creativity no matter what.
That could look like rocking out for 15 minutes after you put the kids down or shut your computer off for the day (or night).
I do this.
At least twice per week.
If I don’t tap into my wildness, with frequency, I pretty much go insane.
Even if it’s in the middle of you running some major program launch for your company, or whatever you’re up to in your life that is requiring a lot of focus in your work… still put in a half hour, somewhere in there, to just paint or draw or dance or whatever brings you to LIFE.
We cannot abandon this part of ourselves. To do so is tantamount to death.
We can get into a serious downward spiral, a place of dissatisfaction that comes out unhealthily in so many ways in our life, when we are not feeding the passion of our souls.
So don’t give that up. Don’t wait until all the ducks are in the row.
Screw the dishes, the laundry, that last series of emails you need to get out so your inbox is to zero.
Art comes first.
Then the dishes.
For me, I make sure in my life that I go and pole dance because it feeds me so deeply.
It allows me to get out of the mode of just “managing” everything and finally have the space to FEEL everything. That, for me, is medicine of the deepest kind.
I so need that outlet.
I notice that I’m not as happy when I don’t have it, but when I do, I’m a way happier mother, a more affectionate person, more relaxed with my work, more creative and above all – ALIVE. Which, at the core, is what we are all hankering for.
I make sure to schedule it. I have to. I make it an important part of my life. I’ve actually learned that I schedule nourishing my feminine energy and my passion FIRST. First. First. First. Everything else comes after that and gets scheduled around it.
Sometimes I slip up on feeding my passion first, but then I come back. The slip ups are shorter and are less frequent these days, because, quite frankly, my life is really no life at all without it.
This is last, but to me it’s the most important thing of all.
Remembering that this time here on Earth is precious is everything. Without that awareness, we are lost.
I constantly bring back to my attention to the truth that I don’t have an unlimited amount of time here.
This will all go away.
But…the wonderful news is that the love remains.
This I know in my blood to be true.
So the most important thing in this life is cultivating, opening to, expressing, experiencing…Love.
It’s important to keep a healthy perspective on what really matters. I really think that checking in and reminding ourselves of the preciousness of the time that we have is critical if we want to be truly alive. It gives us a reality check and wakes us up to life right now.
I had a time period about a year ago where I felt a lot of stress from a lot of change going on in my life….it centered around business, money, relationship changes, moving…all the big stressors in life thrown in at one time. It was insane. (Honestly, things still feel pretty insane as my life continues to be in a massive period of transition.)
I started to notice that often times I had “a screen” in front of my eyes when connecting with Connor.
I would be with him, and relating with him, but I was thinking about work.
I remember one night sitting on the couch and realizing, “He’s connecting with me and I’m connecting with him, but I’m not really connecting because there’s a constant dialogue going on in my mind about what needs to be done for work. I’m not really HERE.”
Now, I have compassion for that as I was just trying to hold things together and get things done, and things with my company are growing quickly, which takes a ton of bandwidth and attention.
But, it was a powerful seeing.
I immediately felt grief.
What if I got to the end of my life and realized that I had missed out on life with my son – true life, true aliveness – because my attention was elsewhere?
I realized in that moment that the most important thing for me was to truly be awake with my son.
I knew this would take practice to deepen my presence and to allow myself to feel internally safe and secure enough to open to the moment and to intimacy.
I’ve taken that on in leaps and bounds, from many angles, including meditating twice per day (before bed and in the morning). It’s made a huge difference.
I can honestly say that I’m really HERE with my son so much more of the time because I’m really HERE with me.
That is priceless, more valuable than a million dollar launch, more valuable than any standing ovation, more valuable than any achievement in the outside world.
It’s taken me a long time to really get this, but the truth is that any outer success is completely unfulfilling and meaningless if we are not fully HERE.
No amount of success is going to give you fulfillment if you’re missing your life.
So, if this is going on for you (and it’s a modern day affliction, no guilt.), whatever you need to do to cultivate a depth of presence, do that.
Whatever you need to do to create a deeper sense of security in yourself as you take creative risks, or navigate challenging financial situations, or as you expand the reach and impact of your voice (which comes with its own intensity), do that.
The reality is that no matter what’s going on, there is a safety that’s always here in every moment.
The more we can reside in this moment, the more resourced we will be to hold all that we hold in this modern day and age, the more creative we will be to address whatever arises, and the more open and available we will be to truly connect with our loved ones and be intimate with life, including ourselves.
That is really, at the end of the day, the only thing that is going to give us a deep sense of fulfillment.
I’m passionate about making my life – as an entrepreneur, as a creator, and as a mother – sustainable.
When I say sustainable, I mean: I am continually healthy, in flourishing relationships, deepening in my passions, financially sane and prosperous, and am expanding the reach and impact of my work in the world…and most all, am awake and feeling fulfilled. That’s a tall order. Breakdowns happen. Struggle occurs. But am I resourced to truly be with it and bring my authentic creativity and heart to it? That, to me, is a sign of sustainability.
What I know for sure is that we need some seriously new, innovative thinking about how to do this as women because the current model we have inherited is breaking us (and men too).
Again I want to mention what my friend Kate Northrup Watts has created in service to sustainable success, because I’m just floored by it. I can’t recommend enough that you watch these videos and absorb her wisdom. I’m telling you there is just nothing out there like this and she’s got this dialed.
I look forward to hearing how it impacts you and I’m grateful to be in a conversation about what the next evolution of creation, entrepreneurship, and motherhood looks and feels like.
Love, KC
P.S. This is not just for mothers. I had the same inquiries even before I was a mother. So even if you’re not a Mom, watch. This is really about how we create as feminine beings, as women. Click here to watch Kate’s series.
My name is KC Baker and I’m a women’s thought leadership & public speaking trainer and speechwriter. You can get on my list for my posts & trainings at kcbaker.com.